JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

All Hail The First Born!

First-born children are the most loved. (If love = time) In your faces second and third born! A new study out of Utah shows that parents tend to spend more time with their oldest children.

The second born, known as the already-been-there-and-done-that child and third born, known as the who-is-that-oh-yeah-I-forgot-about-that-one-child get about 22 fewer minutes with dad and a whopping 27 minutes fewer with mom. Smooth move moms!

Researchers believe that this extra parent-time explains why first-born children have higher IQs, are less likely to engage in risky behavior, have a higher level of achievement, don't get teenage pregnant as often and land in juvie less.

Then the researchers got all preachy. "Blah, Blah Blah," they said. "Don't watch as much TV. Instead read to your offspring and lovingly stroke your child's corn-silk hair. Use travel time to talk instead of listening to Howard Stern. This will make up for the inherent injustices of life."

"Blah," they added.

On the flip side, younger siblings usually have more money spent on them, because their parents are usually in a better economic situation by the time those younger, lesser siblings are born.

Basically, first-born children are like a fun project and the rest of the siblings are like a leaky pipe that money needs to be thrown at.

Anyways, a good way to get back at your parents is by putting them in a home. Talk to a geriatrician or a doctor who specializes in palliative and hospice medicine.

Find a local doctor near you.

A Lively Pace Can Extend Life

The Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, still printed on a Gutenburg press for authenticity's sake, found that older adults who are able to increase their walking pace could extend their lives. Nearly 50% of those partaking in the study who did not increase their speed died. Only 30% of the people whose speed increased died. (This, apparently, was not the most joyful of studies.)

These findings do not bode well for the pedestrians of Los Angeles whose walking speeds are well below the nation's average. You might be allowed to make a right turn at a red light in LA, but you're probably not going to.

Geriatricians are not sure why "moseying speed" seems to extend life.

"We are told that we should stop and smell the roses," said a geriatrician. "But maybe we shouldn't. We should get on with our business in a timely manner. Plus, there might be a bee in those roses that would come out and scare us."

Some of the geriatricians believe that the speedy elderly have hidden reserves of resilience that allow them to "outrun" death.  These doctors hope to use "striding rate" as a measurement of elderly wellness.

No matter your age, walking has numerous benefits.

• Lowers Blood Pressure
• Cheap Transportation
• Weight Loss
• Stroke Avoidance
• Gets Rid of Pesky Shoe Leather
• Improve Sleep
• Reduce Cancer

This list can go on and on. Walking is a wonderful panacea. To find a doctor who knows a thing or two about exercise, click here.

For all other local medical services, click here.

Despite Science, The Elderly May Die

A recent study shows that flu vaccinations may not save the lives of the elderly. Apparently, studies have not been able to show that flu shots do anything for the elderly.  Most doctors recommend the shots for the elderly. They also believe flu shots stop grubby-fisted children from absent-mindedly spreading influenza to the elderly.

    The elderly, mottled and wisdomful, are the cross section of the populous that are the most flirtatious with death.

    "They live on the edge, " said some guy. "By that, I mean that they live on the edge of death, literally and at all times. To further illuminate, the average human live span is around seventy-five years. Those elderly who have lived an amount of time longer than their alloted three score and ten are teetering, as all things teeter, on the brink on oblivion"

   "You see," he continued, "the human body gets worn down from years and years of soul-crushing disappointment and loss. As a man's or woman's dreams burn out like cheap candles, his or her heart, mind and body weaken until there is nothing left but a decrepit scarecrowesque husk. A flu shot can't fix that. Nothing can."

Infectious disease specialists will do more research and try to prove that flu shots save the lives of the elderly or at least delay the inevitable. It is well known that flu shots may not prevent the disease, but they make the flu less severe.

    "The flu shot is nothing more than a balm for the soul. A placebo that placates the all-consuming fear of life's end for yet another day."

To find an internist, a family physcian or a general practitioner for a flu shot or a balm for the soul, click here.