JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Hangedover (SIC)

During the holiday season, people imbibe liquor like gangbusters. They fall asleep and wake up all sick and embarrassed the next morning. Then they swear they will never drink again, meet their friends at the bar later in the week, hold out for like ten minutes, get drunk, leave the bar looking for burgers and/or tacos,  get in an argument with a fast-food worker, fall down in front of their apartments, tell their friends to just let them sleep there, get carried inside, make an incoherent pass at their best friend's spouse, and wake up hungover again.

And that is how society works.

What causes these mysterious illnesses the next morning? Is it divine retribution? Is the soul trying to escape the wretched, booze-soaked carcass?

A hangover, known by medically as veisalgia, a Norwegian word for unease following debauchery, is mysterious as it is painful.

Some researchers think that hangovers are miniature withdrawal symptoms. Others believe that the liver can't process all that whiskey quickly enough and your body feels the effects of a mild poisoning. Also, there are still others who believe that byproducts (namely formaldehyde) of the distillation process are to blame. There is a direct correlation between the amount drank and the unease of debauchery.

Regardless, hangovers are here to stay. Here are some common symptoms.

• Headache
• Rocky Stomach
• Loss of Wife
• Anxiety
• In Jail
• Difficulty Sleeping
• Weak as a Kitten
• Smell like Brewery
• Diarrhea

There is no known cure for hangovers, because it is not real high priority on the list of things to cure. There could even be an argument against curing it. Imagine living in a world without consequences. There are doctors who treat alcoholism because we live in a world with consequences.

To find local medical services, click here.

Toy Story 3: Judgment Day

Pediatricians, the medical caretakers of our youngsters, are urging parents to remain vigilant this holiday season. A great number of toys have been recalled due to safety issues. Many of the toys recalled have been tainted with lead.

The worst toy this year was the Australian-borne plaything, Aqua Dots. The toy's chemical coating, if ingested and metabolized, converts into the date-rape drug, GBH.  Low doses of GBH cause euphoria and high doses can cause comas, seizures, hypotonia, amnesia and, possibly, some death.  Adults, if someone asks you on a date and wants to play Aqua Dots, refuse. Walk away at a swift pace. Use your car key as a weapon.

Aqua dots retailed for 17-30 US dollars.

"The second worst toy this year," noted a pediatrician. "Was Baby-Licks-Some-Lead. This toy was a baby that held a two-pound bar of industrial-grade lead. The baby's arm would move the lead to an exposed polyurethane tongue that had a sensor on it. When the tongue and the lead connected, Baby-Licks-Some-Lead would say one of her three catchphrases. 'This lead tastes like heaven!', 'This is diet lead, because I'm such a fat baby.' and ' Pb stands for party baby.' It is a disgraceful toy."

Baby-Licks-Some-Lead retailed for 27 Australian fun bucks. (It's like real money, but only good in Australia)

In all seriousness, there has a been a flood of lead-based recalls this year, too many to name. To learn more visit Recalls.gov.

The symptoms of lead poisoning include:

• Gastrointestinal Distress
• Nausea
• Fatigue
• Fall of Roman Empire
• Headache
• Muscle Weakness
• Tooth Decay
• Everything Tastes Lead-y
• Behavioral Problems
• Irritability
• Painter's Colic

There is treatment for lead poisoning.The most notable type of treatment is called Chelation Therapy; the therapy removes metals from the blood. It will remove iron as well and must be done carefully.  A doctor who specializes in Toxicology can help.

To find local medical services, click here.

Et Tu, Turkey?

Turkey, the food, when prepared right can be one of the prettiest meals around, but any way you slice it, (pun intended) turkey, the food, is just well-preserved carrion.

1. Is there a difference between frozen and unfrozen turkeys?

There is no significant difference between a fresh turkey and frozen turkey, besides temperature.

But, You could throw a frozen turkey through a windshield if you really wanted to. An unfrozen one would bounce off or maybe splatter. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

Live turkeys are probably the warmest form of the bird that you can buy, what with their four-chambered hearts which allow the turkeys to maintain thermal homeostasis. Live turkeys, however, involve the most preparation, unless you're prepared to bite into it like a mangy coyote.

2. What type of turkey should you buy? How can you be assured that your fowl isn't foul?

Bon Appetit Magazine reccomends the Fresh Heritage Turkey, Cross-Breed Turkeys and and Quality Supermarket Turkeys. The magazine says to stay away from Wild Turkeys, Self-Basting Turkeys and Free Turkeys. Turkeys found in old refrigerators, beneath couch cushions and adrift at sea should also be evaded.   

3. How can food poisoning be avoided?

Thanksgivers need to be careful with their raw-meat supplies. Wash your hands after you prepare the bird and use a separate knife to cut the vegetables and pies. This can save you from brushes with E Coli, Salmonella and other forms of food poisoning.  Cooking the food is also a good idea.

4. What are the symptoms of food poisoning?

Food poisoning can cause nausea, diarrhea, bellyache, headache, low-grade fever and can last for up to three days. If food poisoning is contracted, the poisoned party should seek their local internist, family physician or gastroenterologist.

5. What are the symptoms of a bad chef?

• Turkey tastes like tire swing
• Cranberry sauce by Penzoil
• Part of pie reserved for cigarette butts
• Turkey stuffed with loose change

To find local medical services near you, click here.    

Thanksgiving is Stress-Increasing

Some Minneapolitan scientists, who are mostly likely at odds with their parents, have released a study on the stressfulness of Thanksgiving. It is, apparently, very stressful.

Kids coming home from college often clash with their progenitors. The struggle may be the age-old Freudian Oedipal/Elektra complex where the child will compete with their same-sex parent for the love of their opposite-sex parent.  Or it could be the Norman Rockwellian version of perfection that the family feels it needs to achieve that causes all that angst. There is also an epic battle of the wills between the neophyte adults and the geriatrically-teetering parents.

"Judith thought it would be a good idea to get a nose ring the same year Pastor Louis came down from Little Falls. She's such an attractive girl. Why would she do that to her face?" Said one mother. "I could scarcely finish my oyster stew."

According to experts, the best way to avoid the familial struggle without avoiding the family is to have a frank and open discussion about what is expected from both parties prior to the gathering of relations. As with any relationship, communication is the key.  Remember that and Kin-related stress can be a thing of the past.

Stress is a condition that is usually treated by a Psychiatrist. It can lead to a wide-variety of health problems:

• Headache
• High-Blood Pressure
• Sleep Disorders
• Hatred of Mondays
• Weight Gain
• Skin Problems
• Depression
• Anger
• Etc. Ad Nauseum

If the source of stress is unidentifiable, a medical doctor should be consulted. A physical problem may be to blame. Consult an Internist or Family Physician.

To find nearby medical services, click here.

The Pill to End All Headaches

Recently, the Wyeth Company, better known as the makers of Advil, advertised their all-new maximum-strength pill prematurely. The company pulled its ads because Maximum-Strength Advil hasn't been approved by the FDA.

"This is the aspirin that will end all headaches. When I take this pill, regardless of if I have a headache or not, it will destroy my headaches and the children of my headaches for generations to come," a speculator speculated. "It will figuratively sew salt into my brain, making it so nothing, especially headaches, will ever grow there again."

"It has an anti-headache fallout radius this big," said one man, holding his hands about one foot away from the sides of his head.

A headache can occur for any number of reasons: Sitting too close to the TV, stress, hormone imbalance, loud children, sticking head between the cymbals of a simian percussionist, and illness. When the body becomes aggrieved in such a way it releases this junk called  prostaglandins. These things float around in the body telling the brain that there is trouble. They are like car alarms inside that are inside the body. The brain becomes annoyed by these "car alarms" and pain is felt by the person using the brain.

Advil is a form of ibuprofen which works essentially the same way aspirin does.  When a consumer consumes an aspirin, aspiriny chemicals go into the bloodstream. The chemicals inhibit the body's ability to make prostaglandins.  Essentially, aspirin pulls the plug on these little car alarms. This allows the brain to get back to bed, because it has an important presentation in the morning.

Headaches are common. They are usually not cause for alarm. If a person suffers from chronic headaches, he or she may want to see a neurologist or a pain management specialist.

If your hunt for a good doctor has become a headache, click here to relieve the pain.

 

Health Foods Go On Strike

A San Francisco-based food company is recalling tofu that might have been tainted with the Listeria microorganism.  Listeria weakens the immune system and causes headaches, tummy aches and diarrhea.  To this date, no illnesses have been reported.

Tofu, a stackable and somewhat edible food, is known for its healthfulness. Salad is being recalled for ecoli along with spinach. What is going on with health the food industry?

Sure, burgers and soda pop and pumpkin pies and flapjacks smothered in maple syrup and sugared cereal snaps and soda phosphates and French-fried potatoes get the bad rap because they make people fat and lethargic and pretty much ruins their life over a long period of time, but health food is filled with instant death. That is the opposite of what the consumer wants.

How did the tofu and spinach become contaminated?  Water supplies became contaminated and mingled with the food. Water, by the way, is the healthiest drink on earth.

In fact, our bodies are 60% water. We are made of so much water that drinking it, to me, seems a lot like cannibalism.

Luckily, food companies seem to be catching these contaminations before they strike, but what the heck is going on?

"Until I get the respect I deserve, I promise to be covered in either cholera or scarlet fever," said some celery, wearing a revolutionist's beret during a recent interview in my imagination.

If you've eaten some tofu and you're worried because you couldn't taste it and you think maybe you've contracted some bug that makes it so you can't taste, don't worry that's just how tofu tastes. Click here if you are still worried, I guess.

"If it is Hard, Give Up," say Scientists.

Scientists are laying down their Erlenmeyer flasks and their Bunsen burners and curling up in the fetal position today, after a recent study shows that quitting things that are hard might be good for you.

   One scientist, sucking his thumb while vigorously clutching a Batman blanket had this to say, "I've worked so hard at getting these grants and learning science and trying to better mankind. Now, it seems I've just been killing myself."

   "That's been the philosophy I've lived by my entire life," said a hippie who has spent the last two nights sleeping in the bus station. "Can I get a quarter for the phone?" he added.

  Enough joking.

  The tenacious seem to suffer more health problems from their never-say-die attitudes than the lackluster of spirit. Some of those health problems include, hypertension, indigestion and headaches. The bullheaded also seemed to die younger from heart attacks and diabetes.

  It sounds like it might be better to quit if something is hard. Why doesn't science just prove that we don't have souls and there is no point to life and everything we do is a mocking absurdity?

  The flaw in this study, in my very humble opinion, is that it equated re-framing with quitting. 

For example: If a person wanted to invent a flying machine, he might create a giant harness and attach to wings to it. Obviously, that contraption doesn't work. We've all seen that stock footage. The stubborn might keep trying it, injuring themselves over and over which is, after all, a health risk. A re-framer would fall once, maybe twice (if he thought the first time was a fluke) and redesign the device, but he's not really giving up; is he? 

So is this study studying tenacity or stubbornness? Would you give up your dreams for less stress in your life?  Would Van Gogh's life of been better having known this information? The world might be worse off.

Also,  as an addition to this blog, the original story on this in Newsweek Health used this as an example for determination: "Like an infertile couple (trying to) conceiving a child"

That, to me, doesn't seem like quite the arduous task. In fact, the act of child conception is one of this biggest stress relievers known to man. It's even more widely used than that little novelty doll that is supposed to look like your boss and relieve stress when you squeeze it.

To find a doctor who chased after his or her own dreams, click here.