JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

DVDs + Babies = Dumb Babies

Your baby will get dumber if you force it to watch DVDs.  Infants, aged eight to sixteen months, who watched DVDs were developmentally stunted. Even those babies who shied away from titles like, Revenge of the Nerds: Nerds in Paradise, Meatballs Part 2 and that one movie where Adam Sandler gets all mad at Jack Nicholson, were left vocabularily underdeveloped.

The best way to force your baby to be smart is to read to it. Read A Farewell to Arms  to your baby. Tell your baby that life is dark and cold, like in the book. Then you should force it to play chess. You will win. It is a baby. You are lonely.

DVD's for babies are a multi-million dollar business. Yet, the plots of these of movies are contrived, the characters one-dimensional and the thematic undertones are cliche at best. No wonder babies get dumb from watching these movies. Even titles like Baby Einstein are more harmful than helpful.

Personally, I want dumb children. If my dumb offspring annoy me, I can throw a blanket on them and tell them that they are asleep. They will buy it. I know my dumb kids.

A Neonatalogist can help you with newborn care. To find local medical services, click here.

"Love" Hormone Forces Mothers to Love

A mammalian hormone known as oxytocin may be the reason why your mother loves you.  The hormone causes female mammals to bond with their young.  When tested in voles, those voles that had low levels of oxytocin were negligent when it came to rearing their offspring.

Our mothers may not have loved us without the help of this hormone.

Before our mother's got pregnant, our mothers drank heavily, smoked two packs of Salem menthols a day and were out at all hours of the night. They also cursed openly and rejected the status quo.

Our mothers are, however, saints.

Then BAM! Before they the knew it, they were pregnant, and their bodies started pumping out this oxytocin like gangbusters. Eventually, Our mothers were forced to love us and, in doing so, were forced lead a life of quiet desperation.

"Our lives used to be about something," said our mothers. "We had always wanted to backpack across Europe. Now, we are chemically compelled to care for our children, although rationally, we'd rather be living our own lives," they added.

The children of mothers issued a press release, stating that they will not be looking for a cure for oxytocin. They also asked if they could do laundry at the house and if the mothers had any extra cash on hand.

An obstetrician is the doctor that cares for pregnant women. A neonatologist is a doctor who specializes in newborn care. A pediatrician is a type of doctor who helps kids. A family physician is what every mother hopes that their child will grow into.

All other doctors can be found here.