JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Instant Terror

Online social-networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace have long been accused of being a doorway for internet bullies and sexual predators, but a new study shows that most online harassment occurs via instant messaging and in chat rooms.

The study done by Pediatricians surveyed a group of children from the ages of 10 to 15 who had used the internet in the past six months. Fifteen percent said that they had been inappropriately propositioned and one third had been harassed. 

But surprisingly, only nine percent of the total bullying and four percent of the sexual solicitations occurred over social-networking sites. Most of the negative influences came over instant messaging or in chat rooms.

In fact, chat rooms are just awful even without the creepy, weirdo internet stalker-types lingering about. Here is a transcript of a chat room that I visited recently:
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You are in Chat Room: **Teenager Musik Luvers**

IluvKorn667: I want to talk about popular music.

1337Kornluver: You a noob.

Korn4liff: I'm going to say something very ignorant whenever you give me the chance.

Korndawg: lol! roflcopter lolz!

Sale-Bot-byKorn: Come to my awful website!

JimmycrackKorn: Man, this room is lame. Who wants to talk in another similar chat room?

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Anyways, parents need to be reminded that besides protecting their kids from the dangers of the internet, they should also teach their offspring good taste.

An Adolescent Psychiatrist can talk to your teenager or tweenager about any abuse he or she may have suffered on the internet.

Find a local doctor near you.

Autism and Vaccines: The Link is Unlinkening

Autism rates have been increasing. Many people thought that mercury-based vaccination shots are to blame, but that argument has lost a leg.

The rise in autism had been blamed on thimerosal, a compound found inside vaccinations. Children would get vaccinated and it was believed that the shot's ingredients would cause autism.  Medical facilities stopped using thimerosal back in '04, but autism rates continue to rise.

Doctors are now looking for a genetic link in order to understand the causes of autism.

One in every 150 kids has autism. The doctors are unsure whether this is really a spike in autism cases or if autism is just easier to diagnosis in these modern times.

Autism is a Neurological Disorder. Symptoms of Autism include:

• Speech Problems
• Difficulty Relating to People
• Learning Problems

There is no cure for Autism, but it can be treated by a neurologist, pediatrician, a family physician or a  psychiatrist.  Find them here.

And now this:

"I was sure it was the Autism Dogs what spread autism," said a man near the railroad station.

"What are Autism Dogs?" I asked him unsure that I wanted to know the answer.

"The Autism Dogs," he said, sizing me up. "These hounds race across the plains with the fury of Hades. Their trampling paws raising up dust which had settled in forgotten deserts during the times of our forefathers. These wiry beasts, they spread Autism by biting it into people."

"What?" I asked, rubbing my ears. Then I rubbed the man's ears.

"They bite the neurological disorder into you," he repeated.

"That's impossible and stupid. You've just wasted my time with your nonsense." I told him.

"I'm lonely." he said.

Some Nerve

Nerves may be the key to unlocking some problems of dyslexia. Long tracts of unorganized nerves, that meander like a road in a Grant Wood painting, seem to cause some forms of dyslexia. The Boston-based study used MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) to study the brains of 10 people with periventricular nodular heterotopia. 

PNH is a genetic disorder that mucks up the structure of the brain, causing sufferers to read at a slower rate. Their intelligence is unaffected by the disorder, but a PNH-burdened brain cannot quickly process the written word.

The MRI scans revealed that PNH sufferers' white matter had been jumbled. White matter is like phone lines in the brain. The white matter is supposed to carry bits of information to the various operators, (the gray matter) but because the white matter is all muddled like a several piles of garden hoses, the signals are scrambled and hard to understand.

Doctors hope to use this research to treat children and adults with dyslexia. Plumbers will also use this information, but in a way that the uninitiated will never understand.

Einstein and Da Vinci were dyslexics and so is the Fonz, Henry Winkler. It seems like all the best people were dyslexic.

To get medical help for dyslexia, click here. To find all sorts of help, click here.

Nation Stuffed

A temporary ceasefire has been called. The casualties in America's War on Obesity have leveled off. As of today,  One third of Americans are afflicted with obesity.  Those numbers seemed to be holding. Remember, the next time you see a trio of people, one of those people is probably suffering from obesity. 

The symptoms of Obesity Include: (These are real symptoms)

• Large Body in Relation to Frame
  
• Difficulty in Doing Everyday Activities
• Lethargy
• Breathlessness

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has found that only Seventy-Two Million people suffer from obesity. "It could be worse" said a CDC spokesperson. "But I will take no chances. I am sequestering myself to the countryside, lIke Isaac Newton did during the Great Plague. There is a Soloflex there. I will be safe."

In 1980, only 15% of Americans were obese. That was long before Cheeseburgers were weighed by the half pound, long before the fourth and fifth meals were invented and even before soda pop was sold to individual drinkers by the liter.

Why are obesity rates leveling off now?

"My theory," said a Bariatric Surgeon, "Is that the nation has filled up on turkey at Thanksgiving and can no longer gorge themselves on Saltwater Taffy, Cotton Candy and Swizzle Sticks. They can't eat another bite. The nation is stuffed."

Treatments for obesity vary. Usually a primary caregiver such as an Internist, Family Physician or, in the case of children, a Pediatrician can prescribe a long-term diet and exercise plan. If the obesity is severe, a Bariatric Surgeon may need to be consulted. 

To find local medical services near you, click here.

Support of Growing Pains is Shrinking

Everyone experiences growing pains as a child. America's parents told America's children that these pains were a symptomatic of growing in rapid bursts. It turns out that America's parents were wrong. 

Rheumatologists, the guardians of our joints,  have declared that growing pains have nothing to do with growing. These pains, however, have a lot to do with growing up.

"Growing Pains" are actually caused by brittle bones, physical activity and the overuse of muscles.

"When I have a kid," noted a rogue Rheumatologist.  "I will tell him that his pains are caused by rapid growth. I will also tell him that Santa Claus is real. I do not wish to steal the magic from my little David's life. His hair will be sandy blonde, and he will love trains."

Now that I think about growing pains as an adult, and keep in mind that I have only a layman's understanding of science and anatomy, I can't believe I fell for it. 

Remember that time when Galileo discovered objects fell at the same rate? I bet that seemed so obvious to him.

I am just like Galileo without all the success and achievement. Also, I didn't discover anything, and I don't have a sweet beard.

On the bright side, I don't have one of those giant collars. Those things look goofy. No wonder he was looking up at the sky. That collar probably kept him out of Geology.

It looks like the veterinarian put a cone on him so he'd stop biting at his stitches. His head looks like the meat in a collar sandwich.

Growing pains are usually harmless. They are cramps and muscle pains, but sometimes they can be Restless Leg Syndrome.

If the pain seems serious, the child might want to see a Rheumatologist, Orthopedist or a Pediatrician. A Neurologist can treat those Restless Legs.

To find local medical services near you, click here. 

Toy Story 3: Judgment Day

Pediatricians, the medical caretakers of our youngsters, are urging parents to remain vigilant this holiday season. A great number of toys have been recalled due to safety issues. Many of the toys recalled have been tainted with lead.

The worst toy this year was the Australian-borne plaything, Aqua Dots. The toy's chemical coating, if ingested and metabolized, converts into the date-rape drug, GBH.  Low doses of GBH cause euphoria and high doses can cause comas, seizures, hypotonia, amnesia and, possibly, some death.  Adults, if someone asks you on a date and wants to play Aqua Dots, refuse. Walk away at a swift pace. Use your car key as a weapon.

Aqua dots retailed for 17-30 US dollars.

"The second worst toy this year," noted a pediatrician. "Was Baby-Licks-Some-Lead. This toy was a baby that held a two-pound bar of industrial-grade lead. The baby's arm would move the lead to an exposed polyurethane tongue that had a sensor on it. When the tongue and the lead connected, Baby-Licks-Some-Lead would say one of her three catchphrases. 'This lead tastes like heaven!', 'This is diet lead, because I'm such a fat baby.' and ' Pb stands for party baby.' It is a disgraceful toy."

Baby-Licks-Some-Lead retailed for 27 Australian fun bucks. (It's like real money, but only good in Australia)

In all seriousness, there has a been a flood of lead-based recalls this year, too many to name. To learn more visit Recalls.gov.

The symptoms of lead poisoning include:

• Gastrointestinal Distress
• Nausea
• Fatigue
• Fall of Roman Empire
• Headache
• Muscle Weakness
• Tooth Decay
• Everything Tastes Lead-y
• Behavioral Problems
• Irritability
• Painter's Colic

There is treatment for lead poisoning.The most notable type of treatment is called Chelation Therapy; the therapy removes metals from the blood. It will remove iron as well and must be done carefully.  A doctor who specializes in Toxicology can help.

To find local medical services, click here.

Things: Not What They Used To Be

  Doctors between the ages of 50 and 65, bitter and miserly, sitting on a porch swing, mulling over regrets, sighing deeply as the sun sets on the last autumnal days of their lives, are phasing out of the medical business in droves.

A survey shows that nearly half the doctors in that age group plan to phase out their practices within one to three years. The survey company, Merritt Hawkins and Associates, suggests that physicians are not happy with changes that have taken place in society and in medicine.

Nearly seventy percent of the old doctors claimed that this new batch of fresh-faced, up-and-coming doctors are lazier than the previous generation.

"They lazy," said a wizened doctor. His voice was faint. When he spoke, the muscles in his face tightened and his ancient orifice creaked open like a crypt. My heart raced as his rheumy eyes locked onto mine. His eyelids looked like wrinkled shutters. We stared, trying to glimpse each other's souls. Our wills were locked in a tremulous battle. Then he fell asleep.

Almost half of the doctors polled would not choose medicine if they were starting their careers today. This goes to show that job usefulness, being paid well, social and familial praise are nothing in the face of late-onset bitterness.

"In my day," said one doctor. "We'd put cold cooking foil on our foreheads to relieve a headache. We'd put a trout in our trousers to protect against scarlet fever and to relieve rubella, we'd celebrate Christmas in July."

Why can't old people and young people get along? Ever see that movie where a young person befriends an old person and everyone's life becomes better? I didn't. But I heard about it, and the people that told me about that it was worth seeing, but I should wait until it comes out on VHS. So you can tell how long ago that discussion was. Yet, the moral of the story remains true. Whether on DVD or VHS, people need to realize that no one is too young or too old for love.

To get old people help, see a geriatrician. To get young people help, see a pediatrician. To get regular people help, see an internist. For all other doctors, click here.

"Love" Hormone Forces Mothers to Love

A mammalian hormone known as oxytocin may be the reason why your mother loves you.  The hormone causes female mammals to bond with their young.  When tested in voles, those voles that had low levels of oxytocin were negligent when it came to rearing their offspring.

Our mothers may not have loved us without the help of this hormone.

Before our mother's got pregnant, our mothers drank heavily, smoked two packs of Salem menthols a day and were out at all hours of the night. They also cursed openly and rejected the status quo.

Our mothers are, however, saints.

Then BAM! Before they the knew it, they were pregnant, and their bodies started pumping out this oxytocin like gangbusters. Eventually, Our mothers were forced to love us and, in doing so, were forced lead a life of quiet desperation.

"Our lives used to be about something," said our mothers. "We had always wanted to backpack across Europe. Now, we are chemically compelled to care for our children, although rationally, we'd rather be living our own lives," they added.

The children of mothers issued a press release, stating that they will not be looking for a cure for oxytocin. They also asked if they could do laundry at the house and if the mothers had any extra cash on hand.

An obstetrician is the doctor that cares for pregnant women. A neonatologist is a doctor who specializes in newborn care. A pediatrician is a type of doctor who helps kids. A family physician is what every mother hopes that their child will grow into.

All other doctors can be found here.

Nobody is Not Unsafe

Kids fall down all the time. They should; the little ones run full-tilt with their awkwardly over-sized noggins flopping out in front of their incredibly under-coordinated bodies. They look like they are constantly trying to catch up with their continuously flopping head.

Fifteen people die in playground accidents per year. CNN just did one of those "Be Afraid of Everything" stories about the dangers of playgrounds. I love ominous shots of empty monkey bars and blurry children shot from weird stalker-esque angles. 

In the year 1997, there were  98,000 playground accidents. In an eight year period, Odense hospital had nearly 400 rollerskating accidents. More than 10, 000 kids fall off their bikes each year. 125,000 people die from snakebite each year. 7,000 kids drown every year. The highest percentages of drownings occur in Hawaii.

Hawaii is a chain of Islands.

Why doesn't anyone do anything about these playgrounds, roller skates and Hawaiis? Who will take a stand against these things?

Some people believe that all this jibber-jabbering claptrappetry from the television news with its expensive graphics and deceptively shot stories are causing anxiety in the daily lives of the modern human.

A psychiatrist can help you with anxiety, but maybe he or she is really just out to give you radon poisoning? Is there radon near some things that you like? Is your basement full of radon?

Chances are, a psychiatrist has nothing to do with radon.  They can help you with all your radon phobias that I project onto you.

If you do fall at the playground, see an orthopedic surgeon. To find a variety of radon-less doctors, click here.

Let Corporations do the Parenting!

Recently, Nickelodeon and Disney have taken a stand against childhood obesity. Nickelodeon stopped broadcasting for three hours on a weekend to encourage kids to go outside and play. The kids were allowed, however, to change the channel.  Disney plans to release a line of cartoon character-themed fruits and vegetables and market them to children.

According to Minnesota child labor laws, a child under the age of thirteen may not be employed except as a model, an actress, a youth program referee, paper carrier or an agricultural worker and most of those job require parental consent.  They still, however, have to do chores.

Where are these children getting the money to buy junk food and expensive televisions with cable channels that broadcast cartoons all day? Is little Timmy out in the soybean field with a corn knife chopping at a patch of lambsquarter?  Unless you grow a cash crop, probably not. 

Let's take a look at the kid ecosystem: Parents are the sun. They are the source off all life and all energy in the child's ecosystem. The energy the parents radiate on the children can be measured in dollars. Now, there will be two types of things the dollars provided by the parents radiate upon. There will be those things that exist in the ecosystem that do not take dollars away from the child's dollar input and the things that do.

The child cannot receive dollars without the parents. They cannot buy candy or sod-ey (sic) pop.  They can only sit on their thumbs and watch television or use their imaginations in a meadow or something dumb like that.  Either way the child cannot obtain fattening agents in the environment without the parental dollar-input.

The television on the other hand exists in the kid ecosystem without direct cash input from the child. It did take direct cash input by the parents to make the TV flourish in the living-room biome.

Really clunky metaphors aside, a kid can't get very far without the help of the parent. These corporations aren't really doing anything for the kids. They just want to try and make an honest buck off parents like they have done since time immemorial.

Don't let the wizards of Madison Avenue get to you through your kids. They don't really need an allowance.  After all, isn't the word allow in allowance. Doesn't that mean that it is a sum of money you allow your kids to have. Zero allowance is still, by definition, an allowance.

On a personal note, I'm not a parent, and I talk big about standing firm with kids. If I were a dad, my kids would be the first on the block to own an M1 Abrams military tank. So, there is that.

If you want to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about, talk to a family psychiatrist or a pediatrician. To find one near you, click here.