JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

All Hail The First Born!

First-born children are the most loved. (If love = time) In your faces second and third born! A new study out of Utah shows that parents tend to spend more time with their oldest children.

The second born, known as the already-been-there-and-done-that child and third born, known as the who-is-that-oh-yeah-I-forgot-about-that-one-child get about 22 fewer minutes with dad and a whopping 27 minutes fewer with mom. Smooth move moms!

Researchers believe that this extra parent-time explains why first-born children have higher IQs, are less likely to engage in risky behavior, have a higher level of achievement, don't get teenage pregnant as often and land in juvie less.

Then the researchers got all preachy. "Blah, Blah Blah," they said. "Don't watch as much TV. Instead read to your offspring and lovingly stroke your child's corn-silk hair. Use travel time to talk instead of listening to Howard Stern. This will make up for the inherent injustices of life."

"Blah," they added.

On the flip side, younger siblings usually have more money spent on them, because their parents are usually in a better economic situation by the time those younger, lesser siblings are born.

Basically, first-born children are like a fun project and the rest of the siblings are like a leaky pipe that money needs to be thrown at.

Anyways, a good way to get back at your parents is by putting them in a home. Talk to a geriatrician or a doctor who specializes in palliative and hospice medicine.

Find a local doctor near you.

State of Depression

States, the geographical regions, can be sad sometimes. A recent study by Mental Health America lists the most depressed places in the country. They based their findings on depression and suicide rates.

Utah was the most depressed state. First of all, their best lake is full of salt. That would bum me out. Secondly, most of the state is either desert or mountain.

Thirdly, Let me tell you something:

I have driven through Utah on several occasions. There are roads in Utah that do not get fixed. They just put up a sign that says ROAD BROKEN. When you hit that patch of busted road and your car takes flight, like Steve McQueen in Bullitt. In the few seconds of Jordanian hangtime as your car rapidly hurtles towards the desolate American desert, an overwhelming feeling of doom overtakes you. That feeling will never quite go away.

West Virginia ranked second because it's always in Regular Virginia's shadow.

Kentucky placed third, but for Kentucky, that is an improvement.

That happiest states are South Dakota, Hawaii, New Jersey and Iowa.

Researchers believe that lower depression rates are caused by easier access to mental health services. There are like five people in South Dakota and two of those people are psychiatrists who are married with three kids.

But in places like New Jersey where happiness doesn't seem like it could flourish. It does. Or rather, there is enough depression in New Jersey that more psychiatrists had to be shipped in to counteract all that depression, causing an influx of happy psychiatrists who increase the happiness rate and spoil the result of the study.

But seriously, according to this study, the more social workers and psychiatrists there are the happier the citizenry is. If a citizen is depressed, the citizen needs to know that he or she can see a psychiatrist and the result will be beneficial, even though, psychiatry technically is a soft science, unprovable with math.

Depression is no laughing matter, no matter where you live. To find local medical services in your state, click here.