JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Enjoying Things is Harmful

Heads up, sports fans! Sports Fanaticism is hazardous to your health. Watching sports, intently and mercilessly, like an insane hawk, with eyes, can affect the heart.

During the 2006 World Cup, German researchers found that the amount of heart attacks tripled for men (merely doubled for women) on days when Germany played. The more intense the game the more cardiac arrests were reported.

Super Bowl Sunday is fast approaching with its smarmy ads all smarm covered, and Americans are at greater risk for heart disease than people overseas, because Americans have a higher rate of overweightedness. Although in fairness, obesity rates have risen for most industrialized nations. Canadians, however, remain spindly by nature.

The study found that people who had a preexisting heart condition were more four times more likely to have a heart attack. People without a condition were only twice as likely.

Here is a list of famous sports fans who have perished because of heart disease.

• Skippy The Bills-Lovin' Dog
• The LA Dodgers' Own-- Larry the Guy who Dodges Things
• Old Weak Aorta Joe the Chargers fan

If you have a weak ticker, see a doctor before you watch the Super Bowl. Talk to a Cardiologist. 

Find a local doctor.

Personality in Regards to Breast Cancer

Personality, apparently, does not affect breast cancer risks in women. Women who are jerks share the same risks as women who are nice. In fact, women who walk hunched over, depressed, spiteful, carrying a burden of sorrow on their wretched, weathered shoulders, their gnarled faces glowering in disgust at the bleak mockery of their existences have the exact same chance of breast cancer as a lady cop who breaks the rules in order to distribute her unique brand of vigilante Justice or a woman who wears a hat made of bread sticks.

No matter the eccentricities, their chances remain the same. This means that it is medically safe to be unusual.

This new study, done by the Dutch, was conducted in response to some 1996 research that found that women who were unemotional were more likely to get breast cancer.  Oddly enough, no one got upset about that study.

Scandinavians, however, known for their cold, emotionless visages, are relieved as they can possibly be without showing it.

The researchers say that no personality trait can be linked to breast cancer. Remember, and this is a good lesson for both men and women, having a good personality is its own reward.

A medical oncologist or a radiation oncologist can treat breast cancer. Find a doctor near you.

Herpetologists Beware!

Tiny pet turtles, unassuming and possibly shy, are lousy with salmonella poisoning.  These fetid reptiles have caused over 100 illness this year, mostly in young children.  The actual number of turtle-related illnesses is thought to be much higher.

Although French Turtle Pox, Turtle Leg and Riding-Turtle Madness were completely wiped out in the 19th Century, small turtles, under four inches, are still considered a menace. The CDC has banned the sale of tiny, beshelled reptiles in the United States and urges people not to buy them even if they are affordable or cute.

Nancy Reagen urges kids to just say no to small turtles.  (note: this may not be true.)

The biggest problem in this epidemic is that people don't even know that they can get salmonella from a turtle. So these kids get sick, recover, then go out and touch more turtles and the cycle begins anew. Nearly, 90% of turtles carry salmonella, fella. And now you know.

Some kids are putting the turtles in their mouths. Maybe their parents should institute a no pets in mouth rule.

If you touch a turtle and get sick go see a doctor, a local doctor. Find one here!

Nonsense:

When I was a kid living on a farm, the neighbor boy, Heinrich, trained a Shetland pony to climb inside of his mouth. He would keep the horse in his mouth for hours at a time, often revealing it to the other children at school. Everyone got a kick out of this even the teacher! At lunch he'd let the horse out so he could eat his meatloaf. One day, during a game of dodge ball in P.E. class, Henreich was hit by a red 4-square ball in stomach, and he swallowed that horse. He didn't get sick or anything. He just wasn't very popular any more. A few years later, he bought a llama and trained it to make prank phone calls, but it just wasn't the same.

 

Botched Botox

Botox, known for removing wrinkles and all traces of character from a person's face, has caused sixteen deaths this year and scads of lesser injuries. Only one of those deaths has been from the cosmetic procedure, however.

Many problems occurred during a treatment of Cervical Dystonia, a disease that knots up the neck muscles. The Botox gets injected about the throat and neck, usually causing relief for the sufferer but can sometimes paralyze the esophagus, causing swallowing and breathing difficulties.

Botox is a paralytic neurotoxin that can really screw up your moving parts, and once injected into the body, may spread to internal organs or important muscle groups.

Imagine buying a Spider-Man action figure with 12 points of articulation. Let's say that Spider-Man's arm breaks off at the shoulder.  You repair it using crazy glue, but some of that glue drips down into the elbow joint. Now Spider-Man can't move his elbow. I've just drawn an unnecessary parallel to Botox. You are welcome.

Some Danish guys found over 600 Botox-related dangers. The biggest danger is long-term muscle weakness.

"It will make you weak as a kitten," said a Danish scientist, "not even a kitten who works out, but a wimpy kitten that gets picked on by other kittens. All the bully kittens wear leather jackets that have the word "TUFFY" written on the back."

"Winters are long here," he added.

Botox is still a viable medicine that can treat a variety of ailments, but patients need to be warned about its possible side effects.

Cervical Dystonia is treated by  Neurologists. Dermatologists use Botox to treat wrinkles.  Find a doctor near you.

Has the Yogurt Been Pulled Over Our Eyes?

Dannon, the yogurt maker, has fallen under some scrutiny lately. They sell a line of yogurts called Activa that contain "probiotics", bacteria that are supposedly beneficial to the human digestive system.  Some people are skeptical of this claim. They are not sure how effective the super-charged yogurt is. So, of course, people are suing. It's the only rational way.

Dannon has made just tons of money off this product and the current science backs up their claim. Yet, with all that money coming in, hand-over-fist, the time is ripe for a class-action lawsuit.

Ha ha, but seriously, would it hurt to maybe do some clinical research on the yogurt's effectiveness before suing? I mean, I don't know how great this yogurt works, because I've got tons of faith in my natural gut flora, but it just seems like if people really cared about whether or not the product worked, they'd throw a few bucks at scientists instead of lawyers.

Think about it. If the product doesn't work, and it is proven not to work then the company that makes the product will have to A) make it work or B) stop claiming that it works. Their business will decline naturally as a result of creating an inferior product. If it works, Huzzah! Everyone is happy.

Now, we'll have biased scientists giving us two opposing views, and our tax dollars will be spent on possibly frivolous lawsuits instead of on education. We risk true knowledge for dollars. Our children will have a harder time growing up to be doctors and scientists. Their education will be poorer, making them uneducated consumers, and they will get suckered into buying things like black highlighters and stationary motorcycles. 

Sorry about the rant. I'm working through some things.

Find a local doctor near you.

Folk Remedies Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Empirical science kicked folk medicine in the teeth when it was revealed that many traditional medicines are full of lead. These "remedies" are the second leading cause of lead poisoning in the U.S. after lead paint.

Many people think that these medicines are safe because their ancestors used them. Well, guess what? Your ancestors were nuts. Your great grandmother wore a whalebone corset which made breathing so difficult that'd she have to go lay in on the fainting couch, a couch designed for collapsing from breathlessness.

Also, your great grandfather believed there was a planet called Vulcan that rotated in the same orbit as Earth but was always, conveniently on the opposite side of the sun. He had a map that had "Thayr Be Monsters Hyre" written in the space where the Americas were supposed to be. He'd put a leech on you to balance your humours.

Don't trust that guy; he don't know.

That's why we have science. We don't need to stick random junk in our mouth to cure a headache. We made aspirin. It's cheap, plentiful and safe. It took us thousands of years to come up with that. We did a good thing making it, but people are still sticking lead and mud into their mouths.

Anyways, here is a list of known folk remedies that contain lead, arsenic, mercury and/or other harmful chemicals:

• Greta- 90% Lead
• Rueda - up 90% Lead
• Azarcon uo to 90% Lead
• Itargirio 79% Lead
• Lude Ghasard
• Mahayogaraj Gugullu

Find a doctor near you.

Tonsillessness Equals Quality

Those sick kids, throats a'flame, lying in bed on a school day, watching reruns of Highway to Heaven, unable to understand the subtle and artful subtext at such a young age, may have some hope thrown their way. The throwers of that hope? Otolaryngologists or Ear-Nose-and-Throat doctors as called by people with ears, noses and throats.

Otolaryngologists have done a little science, a little researcher, some snooping, and they found that children who suffer from chronic throat ailments have their quality of life improved by a tonsillectomy. And Boy! Think of all that ice cream afterwards. Quality always starts with ice cream.

Kids who were frequent sufferers of tonsillitis showed a dramatic improvement in breathing, swallowing and eating. They visited the doctor less, needed fewer medicines, owned less tonsils, and their breath no longer smelled like the poorly-lit and under-furnished depression-den of a recently divorced NASCAR dad. These kids also performed better physically and socially, outlasting the Ford F1-50 in nine out of ten performance tests.

Adults who were plagued by chronic tonsil problems also saw a dramatic increase in general well-being. They were instantly popular and could dunk. So if you feel like a failure, go ahead and blame your tonsils. I know that I will!

To find an Otolaryngologist near you, click here.

Got Listeria?

A Listeria outbreak that killed three elderly men was linked to the Whittier Farms Milk Plant in Massachusetts.  No one knows how the milk became contaminated. One theory is that the plant became compromised during a routine cleaning. Some blame Castro, some the mafia, others LBJ. The Warren Commission insists that Listeria acted alone.

The plant will remain closed until the bacteria is wiped out. 

Listeria is spread by ruminants and their byproducts. (Mammals that digest their food before they digest their food like goats and cows and llamas.) So, the next time your thinking about drinking milk straight from a wildebeest, stop and think about the risk that you're taking.

The symptoms of Listeria include:

• Fever
• Headache
• Stiffness
• Yak Breath
• Nausea
• Cramps
• Listeria Mustache
• Diarrhea

Most people who are hardy and strong can live through a bout of Listeria and continue their career as a lumberjack, but it severely affects the elderly and those with compromised immune systems. There are 500 Listeria-related deaths per year.  It can also cause pregnant women to miscarry.

A Gastroenterologist is your best bet when dealing with food poisoning. Find one near you!

Send in the Clones so We Can Eat Them

After five years, the FDA has announced that is safe to eat clones. (of animals)  They claim that there is no difference between regular meat and cloned meat. It is also safe to drink clone milk, eat clone cheese and chew clone gum.

Yet a debate rages. Some people don't believe the FDA. Others believe that clones are are unhealthy. Some think that science is playing god.

Here are some common concerns about eating cloned food:

"If I eat a clone will I turn into a clone?"

"If I eat a cloned cow and the original cow dies, will the cloned food in my belly disappear?"

"Does my cloned sheep have a soul? I'm not comfortable about eating something without a soul. The soul is where flavor lives."

"Where's the cloned beef?"

This might be a case of taboo getting in the way of science fact. A cloned cow is nothing more than a regular cow with a nearly identical genetic structure as another cow. Twins are clones, and they exist in nature. (Technically, identical twins have individual genetic structures, but so do cloned animals. The DNA of clones changes slightly during the cloning process, making them akin to, but not the same as, identical twins.)I'm sure we've all eaten twin meat at one point or another, and we're all still here. None of us have come down with "twin madness."

The taboos and fears of cloning that are found in old science fiction rags, where clones are born fully grown with murderous intentions, have seeped, it seems, into our national consciousness.

Clones grow up like any other animal. They live their own lives, and no matter what their DNA structure resembles, they are their own creature. Not a replica. Not a pod person. Not a doppleganger. We should accept them with open arms and eat them with open mouths.

Of course, there are some concerns about all those birth defects that baby clones sometimes have. Well, Mother Nature is still better at growing fetuses than science. These flaws are just kinks in the cloning process, a young science.

A cow is a cow. A cloned cow is a cow. It's not made of magic just because it is a clone.

Talk to a geneticist about cloning. He/She'll tell ya. Find a doctor near you.

Chocoholics may need a Chocovention

It seems that older women who snack on chocolate around the clockolate have weaker bones than women who eke out meager, chocolateless existences. The daily-chocolate eaters had a 3% lower bone density. Their tibias were weaksauce; their heels were a pile, and their shins went all Ally McBeal.

To make sure their study was in accordance with Fair Dinkum, The Australian researchers took steps to rule out other dietary possibilities. They did find that chocolate-eatin' ladies were skinnier on whole, wealthier and tended to eat healthier overall.

Chocolate may be good for the heart and it contains small amounts of phenyl-ethylamine which matches the same chemicals that we release when we are in love. Chocolate also has flavonoids which are good for the bones, but are also full of oxalates which stops the bones from absorbing calcium.  So eat the stuff at your own risk.

Yet, if this study bears weight, something that these skinny-legged women may not be able to do if they keep eating chocolate, doctors may have a way to prevent some cases of osteoporosis.

Find a doctor to treat osteoporosis. To search for other doctors, click here.