JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

In Praise of Back Rubs

Doctors have been doing some pretty serious thinking about massages. NO! NOT FOR THEM! but for patients who have recently undergone surgery. Apparently, a twenty-minute massage after surgery speeds up recovery by a day. According to reports, the pain relief was equal to one shot of morphine.

Post-surgery massages will become the standard at all VA hospitals and have been standard at the Mayo Clinic for the last five years, way before it was trendy.

Surgeons have been asking for the nation's help in order to spread back-rub awareness.

"Back rubs are very costly," said a head surgeon. "Oftentimes, on Mother's Day, children will give their mother a free back-rub coupon. We are asking mothers to donate those coupons to the hospital and forcing their children to honor the coupons by making them massage a post-operative patient in their mother's stead. It will teach those kids some work ethic and honor. Plus, they deserve it for giving their mother such a cheapy gift."

The back rubs also allayed short-term anxiety. Doctors now plan to test the medicinal effects of the beach and drinks with umbrellas in them.

To find local medical services click here.

Kids and Television: A Love Story

Pediatricians and old men who are often angered by the disruption of their yard say that kids these days are watching too much television. The television, despite being easy to use and entertaining, is detrimental to the development of children.

According to fun-ruining studies, an excess of television may cause social and behavioral problems in youngsters. Children who suffer from television watching are also at risk for anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, loss of concentration abilities, aggressiveness and poor social skills.

One doctor offered up some surefire tips to help parents know when there child is watching too much television.

• If your child accidentally kills a pet of a friend or relative and tries to replace the pet with a replica.
• If your child hears a bit of shocking news but ignores it at first and continues his or her conversation only to say, "WHHAAAAT?" a few moments later in response to the original bit of shocking news.
• If your child invites two dates to the big dance and tries to escort them  at the same time instead of doing to mature thing and canceling on one of them.
• When you and your child get caught or trapped in an attic, cabin or cellar, your child wants to reminisce about the past instead of looking for a way out.

     Like most things, television is considered okay in moderation. It is not considered an evil appliance. The only evil appliance, according to the Vatican, is the toaster oven. (It has to do with an obscure verse in Leviticus.) {He who owns a device of cookery that lies twain a conventional oven and yon toasting box of unleavened breads shalt be smote or possibly poxed.}

  According to doctors who research this stuff for a living, parents need to limit the amount of television their children watch. If you want to talk to one of those doctors, click here. I recommend Dr. Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce. Although unconventional, he is the best surgeon the 4077th has.   

A Nail-Biting Cure

The Dutch, known for their liberal democracy and a proclivity for living below sea level, may have come up with the cure for compulsive nail biting. The gadget, a guard that fits over the teeth, makes it impossible to bite nails. Eventually, after many failed attempts, the biter is subconsciously trained not to chomp at his fingertips.

Nail biting causes no long-term damage. It is, however, unsanitary and can lead to infections or warts in the nail bed. Also, if an onychophage puts an oft-bitten finger into his gob, the chances for cold and flu increase.

The biting of the nails is often a symptom of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Once the nails are bitten off, the biter is often depressed and ashamed of his ragged digits, causing even further anxiety.

Hair pulling, skin picking, blemish squeezing, cheek biting and nail chewing all fall into the category of body-focused repetitive disorders. It is thought that 5% of the population may suffer from these disorders. Sufferers may hide bald spots, self-inflicted lesions, and worn cuticles from friends and family or simply refuse to go into public.

If a loved one has tattered fingertips and he keeps saying, "Oops. I fell into a patch of Venus Flytraps again," and he is not some sort of botanist, but actually a banker by trade. He might be a nail biter.  (Jeff Foxworthy might have written that joke if he were a dermatologist instead of a humorously-mustached southern man. )

In all seriousness, if you know someone who suffers from a body-focused repetitive disorder, they should see an anxiety specialist for stress and a dermatologist to help repair the damage to the skin, nails or hair. To find a doctor near you click here.