JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Nation Stuffed

A temporary ceasefire has been called. The casualties in America's War on Obesity have leveled off. As of today,  One third of Americans are afflicted with obesity.  Those numbers seemed to be holding. Remember, the next time you see a trio of people, one of those people is probably suffering from obesity. 

The symptoms of Obesity Include: (These are real symptoms)

• Large Body in Relation to Frame
  
• Difficulty in Doing Everyday Activities
• Lethargy
• Breathlessness

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has found that only Seventy-Two Million people suffer from obesity. "It could be worse" said a CDC spokesperson. "But I will take no chances. I am sequestering myself to the countryside, lIke Isaac Newton did during the Great Plague. There is a Soloflex there. I will be safe."

In 1980, only 15% of Americans were obese. That was long before Cheeseburgers were weighed by the half pound, long before the fourth and fifth meals were invented and even before soda pop was sold to individual drinkers by the liter.

Why are obesity rates leveling off now?

"My theory," said a Bariatric Surgeon, "Is that the nation has filled up on turkey at Thanksgiving and can no longer gorge themselves on Saltwater Taffy, Cotton Candy and Swizzle Sticks. They can't eat another bite. The nation is stuffed."

Treatments for obesity vary. Usually a primary caregiver such as an Internist, Family Physician or, in the case of children, a Pediatrician can prescribe a long-term diet and exercise plan. If the obesity is severe, a Bariatric Surgeon may need to be consulted. 

To find local medical services near you, click here.

Et Tu, Turkey?

Turkey, the food, when prepared right can be one of the prettiest meals around, but any way you slice it, (pun intended) turkey, the food, is just well-preserved carrion.

1. Is there a difference between frozen and unfrozen turkeys?

There is no significant difference between a fresh turkey and frozen turkey, besides temperature.

But, You could throw a frozen turkey through a windshield if you really wanted to. An unfrozen one would bounce off or maybe splatter. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

Live turkeys are probably the warmest form of the bird that you can buy, what with their four-chambered hearts which allow the turkeys to maintain thermal homeostasis. Live turkeys, however, involve the most preparation, unless you're prepared to bite into it like a mangy coyote.

2. What type of turkey should you buy? How can you be assured that your fowl isn't foul?

Bon Appetit Magazine reccomends the Fresh Heritage Turkey, Cross-Breed Turkeys and and Quality Supermarket Turkeys. The magazine says to stay away from Wild Turkeys, Self-Basting Turkeys and Free Turkeys. Turkeys found in old refrigerators, beneath couch cushions and adrift at sea should also be evaded.   

3. How can food poisoning be avoided?

Thanksgivers need to be careful with their raw-meat supplies. Wash your hands after you prepare the bird and use a separate knife to cut the vegetables and pies. This can save you from brushes with E Coli, Salmonella and other forms of food poisoning.  Cooking the food is also a good idea.

4. What are the symptoms of food poisoning?

Food poisoning can cause nausea, diarrhea, bellyache, headache, low-grade fever and can last for up to three days. If food poisoning is contracted, the poisoned party should seek their local internist, family physician or gastroenterologist.

5. What are the symptoms of a bad chef?

• Turkey tastes like tire swing
• Cranberry sauce by Penzoil
• Part of pie reserved for cigarette butts
• Turkey stuffed with loose change

To find local medical services near you, click here.    

Thanksgiving is Stress-Increasing

Some Minneapolitan scientists, who are mostly likely at odds with their parents, have released a study on the stressfulness of Thanksgiving. It is, apparently, very stressful.

Kids coming home from college often clash with their progenitors. The struggle may be the age-old Freudian Oedipal/Elektra complex where the child will compete with their same-sex parent for the love of their opposite-sex parent.  Or it could be the Norman Rockwellian version of perfection that the family feels it needs to achieve that causes all that angst. There is also an epic battle of the wills between the neophyte adults and the geriatrically-teetering parents.

"Judith thought it would be a good idea to get a nose ring the same year Pastor Louis came down from Little Falls. She's such an attractive girl. Why would she do that to her face?" Said one mother. "I could scarcely finish my oyster stew."

According to experts, the best way to avoid the familial struggle without avoiding the family is to have a frank and open discussion about what is expected from both parties prior to the gathering of relations. As with any relationship, communication is the key.  Remember that and Kin-related stress can be a thing of the past.

Stress is a condition that is usually treated by a Psychiatrist. It can lead to a wide-variety of health problems:

• Headache
• High-Blood Pressure
• Sleep Disorders
• Hatred of Mondays
• Weight Gain
• Skin Problems
• Depression
• Anger
• Etc. Ad Nauseum

If the source of stress is unidentifiable, a medical doctor should be consulted. A physical problem may be to blame. Consult an Internist or Family Physician.

To find nearby medical services, click here.

Getting Some

Americans, lusty and amorous, have contracted enough chlamydia to set an all-time high. Some million-plus cases were reported this year. Cases of chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea have increased steadily for the  second year in a row. Cases of macking and playing have also increased.

Chlamydia can be treated with antibiotics. If it is left untreated, it can cause infertility and pelvic inflammation in women. In men, it leads to an unpleasant experience with a cotton swab, followed by a loud cry, some antibiotics and a lollipop.

Young women, aged 15-19, are most likely to contract Chlamydia what with their darn Britney Spears albums and miniature skirts.

Doctors are saying that condoms might be a good idea. Although, they are not saying it at the height of passion, but rather, from behind desks, in air-conditioned offices, surrounded by the smell of sterilizing agents and the faint groans of sick people.

If this blog can't convince you to practice safe sex, try this link.

An OB/GYN, Internist or Family Physician can lend a hand with the clap. Local medical services can be found here.

Flu Season Descends Upon Us Like A Sickly Crow

CNN, Dr. Priya Sampathkumar of the Mayo Clinic and others have released a NEW! list of do's and don'ts to do or don't do during flu season. The serious list can be found at CNN.com. For those of you feeling saucy and adventurous, the abridged, heavily-edited and heavily-editorialized list can be found below:

1. Don't sneeze into your hands. The sneeze will put germs on your hands. The hands will put germs on the people you love. The people you love will get the flu. It's like a tragic, but lame Greek play.
2. Keep your hands clean. (Apparently, this is where things get groundbreaking.)
3. Don't overload on vitamins.  We all know that getting sick is a fun excuse to shop at the faintly-depressing pharmaceutical stores where plays the soulless Muzak, but it might be better to stick to condensed soup, orange juice and bed rest. "One multivitamin a day, tops" says Sampathkumar.
4. Don't exercise too much when you are sick. I think that I speak for a lot of us when I say that I don't exercise too much when I am healthy.
5. Limit your cold medication intake. It is fun to drink a bottle of liquid cold relief, but maybe you shouldn't?
6. Eat what feels good. Keeping up your strength up is whats really important. Let a the flu be an excuse to do what ever you want, gormandizzily.
7. Don't smoke. They have to throw that one in. It's like a law or something.

If you have the flu, you could see an Infectious Disease Specialist, because, man, that sure is a cool-sounding title. You're probably fine with your Family Physician or Internist.  To find medical services near you, click here.

Things: Not What They Used To Be

  Doctors between the ages of 50 and 65, bitter and miserly, sitting on a porch swing, mulling over regrets, sighing deeply as the sun sets on the last autumnal days of their lives, are phasing out of the medical business in droves.

A survey shows that nearly half the doctors in that age group plan to phase out their practices within one to three years. The survey company, Merritt Hawkins and Associates, suggests that physicians are not happy with changes that have taken place in society and in medicine.

Nearly seventy percent of the old doctors claimed that this new batch of fresh-faced, up-and-coming doctors are lazier than the previous generation.

"They lazy," said a wizened doctor. His voice was faint. When he spoke, the muscles in his face tightened and his ancient orifice creaked open like a crypt. My heart raced as his rheumy eyes locked onto mine. His eyelids looked like wrinkled shutters. We stared, trying to glimpse each other's souls. Our wills were locked in a tremulous battle. Then he fell asleep.

Almost half of the doctors polled would not choose medicine if they were starting their careers today. This goes to show that job usefulness, being paid well, social and familial praise are nothing in the face of late-onset bitterness.

"In my day," said one doctor. "We'd put cold cooking foil on our foreheads to relieve a headache. We'd put a trout in our trousers to protect against scarlet fever and to relieve rubella, we'd celebrate Christmas in July."

Why can't old people and young people get along? Ever see that movie where a young person befriends an old person and everyone's life becomes better? I didn't. But I heard about it, and the people that told me about that it was worth seeing, but I should wait until it comes out on VHS. So you can tell how long ago that discussion was. Yet, the moral of the story remains true. Whether on DVD or VHS, people need to realize that no one is too young or too old for love.

To get old people help, see a geriatrician. To get young people help, see a pediatrician. To get regular people help, see an internist. For all other doctors, click here.

Welcome To Sodium Town

Recently, registered dietitian Karen Collins wrote an article about the amount of sodium in boxed rice. She said that eating boxed rice is like being the mayor of Sodium Town during the annual Sodium Festival that is held in Sodium Fields near off-ramp six next to the abandoned sodium mill.

I might be super-phrasing a little.

Anyways and apparently, boxed rice, like the kind from San Francisco, has 1300 milligrams of sodium in it. That's over half the daily recommendation. This is a good deal if you're gunning for hypertension or stomach cancer.

Then the good dietitian tells us not to eat so much sodium and that most of the sodium is in that flavor packet. Which means flavor-packet stew might not be such a good idea. Poor college students need to be alerted to this ASAP.

Finally, the dietitian tells us to eat a bunch of fruit, herbs, parts of bush and a handful of tree bark, normal dietitian pap. What she doesn't tell us is how tasty sodium is and how eating it makes you look cool. 

This next bit is irrelevant:

"You should eat light from the sun."
"That's called photosynthesis."
" Seriously, try it."
"I can't. My cells don't have chlorophyll in them, because I am not a ficus."
"My bad."

Now back to semi-relevancy:

Sodium, like all things, should be enjoyed in moderation, and sodium should never be enjoyed alone as the element is a caustic poison that is explosive in water. You want to make sure that the sodium atom is bonded to another atom or molecule like chloride or hydrogen bicarbonate so it can form stable octet and become inert-ish like a noble gas.

An internist or a family physician can help you plan your sodium intake. To find a doctor near you, click here.

Smoke'em Out!

A new device, created to torment smokers, has been invented. The mechanism measures the amount of carbon monoxide in the blood by passing light waves into the skin. Its inventor, one Dr. Sridhar Reddy, says the device can be used to ferret out smokers.

Smokers, known for their ability to tolerate cigarettes, can usually be detected by subtle markings:

• Rolled up sleeve with box in it
• Discolored jean pocket
• Yellowed fingertips
• Taste like ashtray
• Piles of unspent Camel cash near nightstand
• Obvious glower of disdain

This device is supposed to help doctors tell if patients are sneaking smokes when they are forbidden to. It is also meant to educate. You can tell a man that he has too much monoxide in his blood, and he might be surprised and quit.

Here is an artist's rendering of what might happen:

"You have all that monoxide in your blood," says a doctor.
"No way," says a patient. "You can't know that about me!"
"Yes way. I have a device invented by Dr. Reddy. It tells me that your blood is filled with bad news, sailor."
"I'm a carpenter now, but that's beside the point. I don't want all that bad news in my veins. I want only good things like licorice and thoughts of puppy dogs in my veins."
"Licorice in your veins could prove fatal. We talked about this last visit."
"I know that. I wrote that down. Don't patronize me."
"Look," says doctor. "Just quit smoking. That habit causes cancer and cancer can be fatal."
"I did quit," says patient.
"No. I ran that test. You're in big trouble, carpenter."
"OK. You are right."
"You see, I nag because I love."

The End.

Anyways, The device isn't perfect yet, but it does have 95% accuracy rate. If someone you love smokes, they should see a pulmonologist or an internist.  To find a doctor near you, click here.

Make Food, Not War

Hardee's, the fast-food restaurant, recently released a new breakfast burrito that contains 920 calories.  The Center for Science in the Public Interest is calling the meal, "Food Porn."

Brad Haley, marketing chief of Hardee's, made no apologies. But if he did, they should go like this:

"Food has been used in literature as a metaphor for love throughout the ages. Especially, in the works of Alice Munro, but that is beside the point. Food will no longer be only analogous with love. Modern technology has allowed us to create a meal where food and love become one. We are making food love, not food porn."

Hardee's is also the home of the Thickburger which contains 1,410 calories. The Thickburger ranks fourth in calories right behind Blimpie's Panini-Grilled Ultimate Club Sub at 1,440. Subway ranks second with its Double Meat, Meatball Marinara Sub at 1,720 calories.

But the real winner is Arby's with their 2,751-calories Pecan Sticky Bun 4-Pack. A mere 806 of those calories are from fat.

A scientist who helped develop the Sticky Bun 4-Pack had this to say, "We built the sticky buns using neutron star technology. That's how we were able to pack all that energy into such a confined space."

An internist or family physician can help a patient plan a healthy diet. A plastic surgeon can give a patient liposuction if he or she insists  on eating the Sticky Bun 4-Pack. If a patient can't stop eating all those sticky buns, they may have to get bariatric surgery from a  general or bariatric surgeon.

To find a wide array of doctors in various lands and outfits, click here.

Yoga Fire!

Yoga, the form of exercise, is being taught in our nation's classrooms. Teachers and educators believe that yoga will raise the children's energy levels and allow them to concentrate better, and the children find it fun.  Here is a direct quote from a nine-year-old yoga enthusiast:

"It makes me feel calm, relaxed and it gets all the stress out of me."

At nine years old, what kind could possibly be stressing that girl out? Life was pretty much all cattails and Milk Duds for me when I was nine. I didn't need yoga to relieve all that stress from having very little responsibility. 

Allow me to digress further:

A child during the Industrial Revolution who worked in a polluted factory and lugged around unwieldy crates of bauxite and made twelve extra cents a month for his family so they could buy the barest of necessities knows what stress is.

You, little nine-year-old yoga enthusiast, have no idea what stress is unless, perhaps, you escaped from a war-torn third-world country in a boxcar full of pit vipers.

Back to yoga.

Yoga is fun. I've done it, and I'm not hippie. I don't even chant over pieces of iridescent rock.  Yoga, much like religion and cat-fancying, gets a bad rap from its zealots. All fun things, like religion and cat-fancying, can be ruined by a few froth-mouthed zealotry apples.

Digression 2:
If you think you may be a zealot, then ask yourself this question: If you see a person doing the thing that you fancy in a way different than you, do you A) try and instruct that person in your perceived correct way of doing that thing or B) do you leave well enough alone and let the other person have a good time?

If you chose A, then you need to relax. Try some yoga.

Yoga has many positive effects to health: Better breathing, improved hand-eye  coordination, improved posture, better balance and so on and so forth.

Yoga may not be for everyone. Ask your family doctor or internist if it would be right for you. Click here to find a doctor.