Beer Bellies, the scourge of the plumber, the auto mechanic and the out-of-work rodeo clown, are actually caused by beer. An article published in the Journal of Nutrition way back in Ought-Three, that was recently uncovered by the New York Times and which will be rewritten in this blog in such a way to avoid infringing upon United States copyright laws, sheds some light on this subject.
THIS IS A MAD-LIBBED VERSION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES STORY:
"In general, PUTTING BEER IN MOUTH causes FAT ON BELLY primarily because MAD DOG 20/20 AND OTHER, LESSER LIQUORS slows the body’s ability to MAKE FLAB INTO ENERGY not to mention that it increases WANT FOR FOOD IN YOU. The effects of BOOZE on the TUMMY are complicated, but HARD WORK BY PEOPLE WITH ERLENMEYER FLASKS show VERY clearly that beer, wine and spirits have a BIGGER effect on GUT LARD in adults who drink NOT VERY MUCH than in people who drink LIKE FISHES OR OTHER AQUATIC ALCOHOLICS but in TINY BITS."
Those who drank one drink every day had the lowest levels of body fat, but those who drank unoftenly and had four or more drinks during their "binge" tended to have more tire to spare.
Beer, life-affirming and succulent, is probably not that nutritious, but I'll be the first to eat a carrot for every six or so bottles I drink, but only if it will start a trend, otherwise forget it, man. Forget it.
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