JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Hey, Don't Eat Magnets

Based on a true story.

So, there was this kid. He was from San Jose, and he ate a couple magnets.

The kid was all like, "Mom, I ate magnets."

"You stupid," said the mother. "They aren't food. I have potatoes a'boil on the stove."

"Doy," said the kid. "I think magnets are potatoes sometimes."

"S'okay," Said mom. "That's why you go to school. They will teach you that things are different from other things. Tell you what. If your appetite is not spoiled. You can have potatoes still."

She set the table. The kid bounded to his little red booster seat behind his Count Von Count place mat. The mother put potatoes and utensils for potato maneuvering on the table. It was good.

"We eat," she said.

"Okay," said kid.

They laughed while they guided the potatoes into their cheerful maws.

"Yum," they said together like no one does.

"My stomach hurts!" said kid after dinner.

" I think it's the flu or magnets," said mother.

They hopped in their car and whizzed to the doctor's office.  They got X-rays.

"Someone put magnets in your boy!" said the doctor.

"He ate magnets!" said Mom.

"Magnets aren't food." said doc.

"He knows now, but he's still learning."

"They looked like potatoes. My brain is not fully formed yet. That's why I'm not allowed to vote!" shouted the boy.

"Oh, I see. That's why he is smaller than regular people. He's still larval." said the doctor. "Well, here is your X-ray."



"As you can see," continued the doctor. "This boy ate two magnets, and one magnet is one part of the intestines and the other magnet is in another part. Together, they tug upon each other using a force called magnetism."

"What's magnetism," asked the mother.

"It's a form of magic that scientists use," said doctor.

"How can my boy be free of this mojo?"

"Minimally Invasive Laparoscopic Surgery!" said doc.

"Sound Boring," said mother.

"It is!"

They removed the magnets and the boy lived happily ever after until he could vote and be unhappy about the results of that.

Anyways, the fun toys were pulled off the market, because the more fun the toy the more the kids want to eat it.

There was only one death by magnet ingestion death ever, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission. There were, however, nineteen magnet removal surgeries performed.  The CPSC will continue looking for things that are slightly dangerous and ban them.

If you eat magnets. better find a surgeon- near you.

In Praise of Back Rubs

Doctors have been doing some pretty serious thinking about massages. NO! NOT FOR THEM! but for patients who have recently undergone surgery. Apparently, a twenty-minute massage after surgery speeds up recovery by a day. According to reports, the pain relief was equal to one shot of morphine.

Post-surgery massages will become the standard at all VA hospitals and have been standard at the Mayo Clinic for the last five years, way before it was trendy.

Surgeons have been asking for the nation's help in order to spread back-rub awareness.

"Back rubs are very costly," said a head surgeon. "Oftentimes, on Mother's Day, children will give their mother a free back-rub coupon. We are asking mothers to donate those coupons to the hospital and forcing their children to honor the coupons by making them massage a post-operative patient in their mother's stead. It will teach those kids some work ethic and honor. Plus, they deserve it for giving their mother such a cheapy gift."

The back rubs also allayed short-term anxiety. Doctors now plan to test the medicinal effects of the beach and drinks with umbrellas in them.

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Make Food, Not War

Hardee's, the fast-food restaurant, recently released a new breakfast burrito that contains 920 calories.  The Center for Science in the Public Interest is calling the meal, "Food Porn."

Brad Haley, marketing chief of Hardee's, made no apologies. But if he did, they should go like this:

"Food has been used in literature as a metaphor for love throughout the ages. Especially, in the works of Alice Munro, but that is beside the point. Food will no longer be only analogous with love. Modern technology has allowed us to create a meal where food and love become one. We are making food love, not food porn."

Hardee's is also the home of the Thickburger which contains 1,410 calories. The Thickburger ranks fourth in calories right behind Blimpie's Panini-Grilled Ultimate Club Sub at 1,440. Subway ranks second with its Double Meat, Meatball Marinara Sub at 1,720 calories.

But the real winner is Arby's with their 2,751-calories Pecan Sticky Bun 4-Pack. A mere 806 of those calories are from fat.

A scientist who helped develop the Sticky Bun 4-Pack had this to say, "We built the sticky buns using neutron star technology. That's how we were able to pack all that energy into such a confined space."

An internist or family physician can help a patient plan a healthy diet. A plastic surgeon can give a patient liposuction if he or she insists  on eating the Sticky Bun 4-Pack. If a patient can't stop eating all those sticky buns, they may have to get bariatric surgery from a  general or bariatric surgeon.

To find a wide array of doctors in various lands and outfits, click here.

The Useful Appendix: Not Just For Reference Books Anymore

 Scientists and doctors at Duke University have discovered the use of the appendix. It grows good germs for your digestive system.  There is more bacteria in the human body than human. Remember that the next time you use sanitizing cleanser. You're killing what is essentially you.

Most of those microbes that inhabit you with you are helpful and are used to digest food. The appendix acts a nuclear bomb shelter, protecting the body's store of germs from cholera and the like. Antibiotics kill much of our gut flora, making many illnesses capable of destroying the balance within our bodies. When the essential bacteria are killed off due to illness, the appendix kicks in and makes up a batch of germs so we can get back to digesting.

Some people out there don't have appendixes. Some people had their appendixes taken out for charity or on a bet. What will happen to those people?

If you don't have an appendix, you'd better make some friends. The only way you're going to be able to get some germs back into your belly is by contracting them from a friend or loved one. Unless you're a mountain man or drifter, you'll probably be all right without an appendix. In fact, if the appendix causes any trouble, doctors still recommend its removal.

"Just because it has a purpose," said one doctor. "Doesn't mean we like it."

If your appendix has been hoisted by its own petard and become infected, than you may want to see a general surgeon. If you want to know what a petard is than you should see a linguist, a war historian or a Shakespeare scholar.

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