JOSH'S CONDITIONS & TREATMENTS BLOG

Et Tu, Turkey?

Turkey, the food, when prepared right can be one of the prettiest meals around, but any way you slice it, (pun intended) turkey, the food, is just well-preserved carrion.

1. Is there a difference between frozen and unfrozen turkeys?

There is no significant difference between a fresh turkey and frozen turkey, besides temperature.

But, You could throw a frozen turkey through a windshield if you really wanted to. An unfrozen one would bounce off or maybe splatter. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

Live turkeys are probably the warmest form of the bird that you can buy, what with their four-chambered hearts which allow the turkeys to maintain thermal homeostasis. Live turkeys, however, involve the most preparation, unless you're prepared to bite into it like a mangy coyote.

2. What type of turkey should you buy? How can you be assured that your fowl isn't foul?

Bon Appetit Magazine reccomends the Fresh Heritage Turkey, Cross-Breed Turkeys and and Quality Supermarket Turkeys. The magazine says to stay away from Wild Turkeys, Self-Basting Turkeys and Free Turkeys. Turkeys found in old refrigerators, beneath couch cushions and adrift at sea should also be evaded.   

3. How can food poisoning be avoided?

Thanksgivers need to be careful with their raw-meat supplies. Wash your hands after you prepare the bird and use a separate knife to cut the vegetables and pies. This can save you from brushes with E Coli, Salmonella and other forms of food poisoning.  Cooking the food is also a good idea.

4. What are the symptoms of food poisoning?

Food poisoning can cause nausea, diarrhea, bellyache, headache, low-grade fever and can last for up to three days. If food poisoning is contracted, the poisoned party should seek their local internist, family physician or gastroenterologist.

5. What are the symptoms of a bad chef?

• Turkey tastes like tire swing
• Cranberry sauce by Penzoil
• Part of pie reserved for cigarette butts
• Turkey stuffed with loose change

To find local medical services near you, click here.    

Thanksgiving is Stress-Increasing

Some Minneapolitan scientists, who are mostly likely at odds with their parents, have released a study on the stressfulness of Thanksgiving. It is, apparently, very stressful.

Kids coming home from college often clash with their progenitors. The struggle may be the age-old Freudian Oedipal/Elektra complex where the child will compete with their same-sex parent for the love of their opposite-sex parent.  Or it could be the Norman Rockwellian version of perfection that the family feels it needs to achieve that causes all that angst. There is also an epic battle of the wills between the neophyte adults and the geriatrically-teetering parents.

"Judith thought it would be a good idea to get a nose ring the same year Pastor Louis came down from Little Falls. She's such an attractive girl. Why would she do that to her face?" Said one mother. "I could scarcely finish my oyster stew."

According to experts, the best way to avoid the familial struggle without avoiding the family is to have a frank and open discussion about what is expected from both parties prior to the gathering of relations. As with any relationship, communication is the key.  Remember that and Kin-related stress can be a thing of the past.

Stress is a condition that is usually treated by a Psychiatrist. It can lead to a wide-variety of health problems:

• Headache
• High-Blood Pressure
• Sleep Disorders
• Hatred of Mondays
• Weight Gain
• Skin Problems
• Depression
• Anger
• Etc. Ad Nauseum

If the source of stress is unidentifiable, a medical doctor should be consulted. A physical problem may be to blame. Consult an Internist or Family Physician.

To find nearby medical services, click here.